So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
