Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
