Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
