Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
