You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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