you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
