how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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