I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
im holly from the hills drunk
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
