I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
