Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
