I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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