Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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