can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
