Can i not drive my cunt home
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
