She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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