weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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