I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
