thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
