I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
