I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I wish you could order shots online.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
