You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
