clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
