apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I licked your asshole in confidence.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
