we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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