I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
