my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
