Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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