I am midnight drunk by noon
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
