Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
