party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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