I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize