You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
