I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think I sprained my soul last night
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
