I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
