Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
