Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize