a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
