A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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