remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
