i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
