there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
