Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You ate ashes out of my bong
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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