I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
