i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
