roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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