I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Can Purell be used as lube?
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
