is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
