he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
