i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
