I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
