Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
