In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize