I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
