hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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