mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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