cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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