Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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