seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
